I have a confession to make… and I blush with embarrassment & self loathing shame. I, very long pause, once bought a food processor as a Valentines Day Gift. Gasp & stand in line to staple my mouth & wallet shut with a croquet hoop. I own up because I, like all those who have gone before me (there were many who bought food processors in the Middle Ages made from two very hard objects- now called a pestle and mortar), am willing to martyr myself in true St Valentines style and offer myself up as sacrifice to a marauding mob who thought a food processor was a good idea. IT IS NOT. It is the worst idea you’ve ever had. Do not buy it.
BTW, here’s a cool Cuckooland Valentine’s Day fact: Did you know that the man who voiced Mickey Mouse for 32 years married the women who voiced Minnie Mouse for 27 years. Brilliant!
Anyway as I was saying, put the food processor back (immediately!), and anything else your practical but ill advised brain may be thinking of that vaguely resembles a kitchen appliance or kitchen utensil and rather do this:
On 14th of February 2014:
- Get up early and make her breakfast in bed (and if you really want to, you can use the food processor you decided to buy anyway). Include one red rose in the tray – no more than one red rose. Women, so my sources tell me, generally do not like the mess that loads of flowers bring or the guilt when throwing them away- so its easily avoided by the “less is more” one rose approach.
- Offer to take the kids to school- c’mon its Fri, by the time Monday comes the old routine will be back anyway. So…up off your bum.
- Phone babysitter to make sure all still ok for tonight.
- Choose one of Cuckooland’s Unique Valentines Gifts to be delivered on the day (order at least a week in advance to be safe)- we will also send a little something extra (a really lovely surprise) if you call us on 01305 755605 and tell us that you’ve read this Blog.
- Confirm your reservation at her favourite restaurant.
- Wear aftershave.
- Tell her how absolutely ravishing she looks and generally (through the night) avoid all confrontation and be genuinely charming (but not fake charming).
- Check that the pilot of the helicopter you have hired is not wearing the same aftershave.
- If weather too inclement for helicopter ride check limo driver is not wearing same aftershave, also really important he’s not smelly either – no one likes a smelly limo driver.
- Crack open bottle of bubbly in the limousine, maintaining eye contact (but not creepy eyes, so quick note to self: smelly, creepy and fake not good) we are looking for charming light hearted humorous demeanour.
- Go where the evening takes you but make sure you’re at the restaurant for dinner- you will need your stamina for later!
